Milan is not ready to host the Olympics.

Not even close. They need a big comeback and a photo finish. If they put it into overdrive right now, and work like dogs until the opening ceremony, MAYBE they get it done. But I don’t see it happening.

First of all:

DOVE IL FUCKIN BANO!?

By far the most inconvenient and not-Olympics-ready thing about this city is the public restroom situation. Mainly that there aren’t any.

You’d that think literally every street downtown being torn to the earth’s core and gated off - making nearly everything inaccessible - would be the lead favorite for biggest problem going into the games.

But nope, there’s public restrooms in the gold spot at the medal stand. An unlikely champ.

You might think the airport situation would be up there: it’s an hour and multiple vehicle changes away from anything in the city, and seemingly built before ‘common sense’ was discovered. It took me several hours just to get in and out of it, and all day to make it to town and back.

You might think having an image problem might be a top contender; the city is covered in graffiti and I don’t mean the good stuff. Sub-par, talentless tags, profanity, senseless scribble. There’s a visible homeless problem. And as far as cigarettes go it’s 1965 there. Of course there is some spectacular architecture but at a street view level, right now at least, it’s a fairly ugly city.

But nope. It’s the bathrooms.

I’m fully able-bodied, can speak enough Italian to ask where one is at, and had euros to spend. And it still took us about two hours to find somewhere to pee. Where you ask? The third floor of the food court behind the Duomo, in a Burger King. Cost us half a euro each. Have it your way.

Sure it’s anecdotal evidence. But it definitely strikes me as a problem. I spent all day there (Milan, not Burger King) and it was the only restroom I saw. The only one.

Again, the streets are literally all destroyed and gated, torn down to their ancient bones, as part of a last-ditch effort to prepare the city for the world’s stage. To me it looked like the equivalent of finding out mom and dad are already on their way home, a scrambled last pick-up of damning evidence.

And the public transportation, while extremely on time, was pretty chaotic. Lots of moving parts, especially the airport.

Nothing about the place said to me, “We are ready to host the Olympics”.